Thursday Thirteen of Galaxy Quest

Thirteen of My Favorite Quotes From Galaxy Quest, the greatest spoof of a SciFi TV show:

1. Guy Fleegman (Sam Rockwell): I’m not even supposed to be here. I’m just “Crewman Number Six.” I’m expendable. I’m the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is. I’ve gotta get outta here.

2. [the crew is on a shuttle descending to an alien planet]
Guy Fleegman: I changed my mind. I wanna go back.
Sir Alexander Dane (Alan Rickman): After the fuss you made about getting left behind?
Guy Fleegman: Yeah, but that’s when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship, and something is up there, and it kills me. But now I’m thinking I’m the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
Jason Nesmith (Tim Allen): You’re not gonna die on the planet, Guy.
Guy Fleegman: I’m not? Then what’s my last name?
Jason Nesmith: It’s, uh, uh – -I don’t know.
Guy Fleegman: Nobody knows. Do you know why? Because my character isn’t important enough for a last name, because I’m gonna die five minutes in.
Gwen DeMarco (Sigourney Weaver): Guy, you have a last name.
Guy Fleegman: DO I?! DO I?! For all you know, I’m “Crewman Number Six”! … Mommy… mommy…
Sir Alexander Dane: Are we there yet?

3. Guy Fleegman: HEY! Don’t open that! It’s an alien planet! Is there air?! You don’t know!
[Guy holds his breath. Kwan sniffs the air and shrugs]
Fred Kwan (Tony Shalhoub): Seems okay.

4. [Looking at the small blue creatures exiting the mine]
Sir Alexander Dane: Could they be the miners?
Fred Kwan: Sure, they’re like three years old.
Sir Alexander Dane: MINERS, not MINORS, you idiot!
Fred Kwan: You lost me.

5. [after the Blue Creatures have eaten Limpy]
Jason Nesmith: Ok, here’s the plan: first, Fred, we need a diversion to clear these things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Any of those things come back Tommy, give a signal. Guy, you set up a perimeter.
Gwen DeMarco: Why does this sound so familiar?
Tommy Webber (Daryl Mitchell): “Assault on Voltarek III”. Episode 81 I think.
Guy Fleegman: We’re doing episode 81?
Tommy Webber: Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire.
Gwen DeMarco: How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?
Guy Fleegman: We’re doing episode 81, Jason?
Jason Nesmith: It doesn’t have to be a hologram, just a diversion.
Guy Fleegman: Jason, are we doing episode 81 or not?
Jason Nesmith: It’s a rough plan, Guy, what does it matter if we’re doing episode 81 or not?
Guy Fleegman: BECA– USE I DIED… IN EPISODE 81!

6. [the rock monster chases Nesmith]
Alexander Dane: You’re just going to have to kill it.
Jason Nesmith: Kill it? Well, I’m open to any suggestions.
Tommy Webber: Go for the eyes, like in episode 22!
Jason Nesmith: He doesn’t have any eyes, Tommy!
Tommy Webber: Go for the mouth, then, the throat, his vulnerable spots!
Jason Nesmith: It’s a rock! It doesn’t have any vulnerable spots!
Guy Fleegman: I know! You construct a weapon. Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?

7. Fred Kwan: Hey guys, I just wanted you to know that, the reactors won’t take it; the ship is breaking apart and all that… Just FYI.

8. Jason Nesmith: All right, let’s settle down. If we’re going to get through this we’re going to need self control.
Gwen DeMarco: Self control? That’s funny coming from the guy that slept with every Terrakian slave and the Moon Princess on the show.

9. [They’re flying through a mine field in an attempt to shake off Sarris]
Sir Alexander Dane: Could you possibly try NOT to hit EVERY SINGLE ONE?

10. Jason Nesmith: Okay Gwen, put me back on with him.
Gwen DeMarco: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Jason. You ARE back with him.
Sarris (Robin Sachs): Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, commander!
Jason Nesmith: [to Gwen] I gave you the ‘kill’ gesture.
Gwen DeMarco: No, you gave me the ‘we’re dead’ sign. I was agreeing with you. Like I know where the ‘hold’ button is.

11. Brandon Wheeger (Justin Long): I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said.
Jason Nesmith: It’s okay, now listen…
Brandon Wheeger: But I want you to know that I’m not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that it’s just a TV show. I know there’s no beryllium sphere…
Jason Nesmith: Hold it.
Brandon Wheeger: no digital conveyor, no ship…
Jason Nesmith: Stop for a second, stop. It’s all real.
Brandon Wheeger: Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

12. [Gwen and Jason encounter the chompers]
Gwen DeMarco: What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway. No, I mean we shouldn’t have to do this, it makes no logical sense, why is it here?
Jason Nesmith: ‘Cause it’s on the television show.
Gwen DeMarco: Well forget it! I’m not doing it! This episode was badly written!
Gwen DeMarco: Whoever wrote this episode should DIE.

13. [Introducing Alex at the convention]
Announcer: Give him a hand, he’s British.